Dear Friend,
“I am.” I remember being a small child in rural Baptist church and hearing the pastor quote the Bible while his human mouth feebly attempted to explain why God is the great “I am.” I was so little my feet barely stuck out past the edge of the pew, but I was big enough on the inside to be completely engrossed. I didn’t comprehend it all, but I did understand that if “I am” was God’s answer when questioned about his identity, then it must be a big deal. I tagged that information “high priority” and went about being six.
I have always wondered, like most, I guess, what I am … who I am. Sometimes, the thinking hurt my head. Sometimes, I ended up more confused than when I started. I always ask questions, and this one seemed like an important one to ask, so I stuck with it. My entire life.
I came up with some good answers, or beginnings of answers, but I felt drained, not energized.
My natural self-awareness morphed into a vague form of self-loathing over the years. I thought that the bits and pieces that made up my history, my existence were too vanilla, too plain, too ordinary to do anything great. I developed a fervent distaste for the era in which I lived – I hated what I saw around me. I interpreted the modern world as frivolous in manner and motion. I constructed a belief that there was no meaning in any of the pursuits available to me. These principles, no matter how wrong, were truth in my head, and I let those statutes serve as filters through which I poured all of life before I tasted it. Life through those filters was a meaningless struggle. I wore that struggle as a private badge of honor. Having never lost a vehement belief in Karma, I was self satisfied, thinking I would be well-rewarded for putting myself through such misery here on earth to do the right thing.
I have engaged in meaningful pursuits without gleaning understanding. Always a deterrent in my quest for self, was my belief that I had no qualities for greatness in my makeup: my location was too rural, my age was too young, my skin was too white, and my past was too plain. I did not see any clues when raking over my statistics that I was meant for anything other than what the other girls and women and people around me did. This caused great despair because I could find no happiness in (what I considered to be) a mundane existence. If I was supposed to be ordinary, shouldn’t I be content with it?
That was then. Something has happened. Now, I am.
I am. I am what? I am 27. I am Amie. I am happy with that and that is enough because there is no limit to the energy I have tapped into in defining myself. Yes, I grew up in rural Texas and stayed hungry for culture and experience that never came, but there is no denying it. It is where I was dropped. Yes, it’s 2007 and my history is cluttered with Americana pop culture that will not ultimately quench my voracious mind, but there is no denying it. It is where I was dropped. Yes, my skin is white and I have not found much about that to be grateful for, but there is no denying it. It is where I was dropped.
Something has happened. Now, I am. I remembered a time in my past when I could melt and fuse with all that was and just … be. I was. Period. I was not trying to do something or meaning to do something or planning or charting or plotting, I just was. Something has happened, and I remember now. I am.
I have been injected with a rapacious appetite for understanding, and have relearned how to embrace that appetite and fuel my existence.
I look for inspiration. When I get tired, I put those examples of people I admire in front of my eyes so I will not tire. You inspire me. Wrong or right, each of our versions of truth are treated as ultimate truth in our minds, and so they are. Wrong or right, in my mind, you are a woman who has pounded life out of every bit of living you have. Wrong or right, I see you as a woman who wrings meaning and enjoyment and truth out of your environment. This encourages me.
I know that to pass on encouragement to others, that it must flow through you. I know that you work to keep yourself encouraged. Motivated. Stimulated. Inspired. That amazes me. I am still learning, but you are a great model to emulate. To be …, put things in your path that make you …
I am.
Maybe not great. Maybe not historic. Maybe not …, but there’s no denying all the bits that make up me. The journey ahead gets more exciting by the day. Lack is only an opportunity to gain. When I discover a lacking in myself now, I am excited to shift my environment, to poke, to prod, to manipulate the correct arrangement to fill that lack.
Life is beautiful.
Thank you for staying inspired.
Peace, Love, Amie
